So I am having a bit of a break from being online (Instagram, Twitter & Facebook), why? Well other than actually just needing a break from “those groups” of friends I am also trying to avoid causing a nasty little scene and prevent myself from having a really horrible vent online for the entire public to see. It makes no difference that I am now blogging about it though, but it will probably feel good to let it all out.
You see I met this guy last year in October (I am not planning on telling the whole story). When I first laid eyes on him I totally thought he was out of my league because he was so darn good looking. Got over it, because he was out of my league and knew it would probably not even worth showing any interest. Over the next couple of months the usual happened, followed me on Instagram, I followed back, same thing on Twitter, and then eventually we added each other on FB, started chatting and flirting a bit via FB messenger etc. didn’t really think it would go anywhere.
In December we really started chatting, a lot. A lot. Forgive me for repeating this, but I really do not have guy “friends” that just communicate (send emoticons, compliments, messages, kisses etc.) with me from morning till night, unless they’re interested. It was a lot, and he seemed interested, trust me.
Anyway, long story short, this continued, I met the folks, met a few of the friends (on various occasions), we hung out… the norm… I thought it was going somewhere, you know, as one would…? I didn’t even worry that I was getting my hopes up because it felt like it was OK to be this happy and I would not have to worry about my hopes being shattered. I let my guard down.
Turns out it I was wrong, you see it is apparently normal that people that communicate on a non-stop basis and see each other in what I would call a “relationship” type of vibe that they then actually completely stop talking to you and disappear off the face of the earth. It apparently really is normal? And also I have been told I was “stupid” to assume that it was even a relationship as we never really had that “what are we” discussion, I was also told that people don’t really have those discussions these days, hence me never bringing it up.
Now basically 3 months down the line, I have forced myself to move on, as painful as it has been, and it has been painful, because I thought that finally I had met someone that was treating me like an angel, saying I was pretty and giving me compliments had come along.
Up until a few weeks ago the last month that he stopped contacting me had been hell, because I went about 10 steps backwards from the person I was to someone that my friends didn’t even recognise. I spent free time fretting about why he wasn’t contacting me, feeling insecure and inadequate and not good enough and losing who I was. Every message I did receive from him (which were few and far between) I clung onto with a ridiculous amount of hope.
Two weeks ago, I made the decision to move on, reading the above you wouldn’t think so but I have managed to stop contacting him, I have been going out and having a great time with my friends and spending time with people that are worth spending my time with, I have even met a guy that I will approach with caution until I know where it is going.
This Monday someone told me that he has supposedly been seeing another girl over the past month, I am not one to listen to rumours and I will give him the benefit of the doubt because it hasn’t come from him, but I am certainly over giving a damn and allowing him and his actions to keep hurting me. His loss.
I have gained my self-security back again and do not feel insecure anymore, and I have no reason to either. And most of all, coming from what I said in the beginning, is that he is not the one that is out of my league, but I in fact am out of his league, because I deserve more and I sure as hell deserve to be treated better.
This is going to be the last time I will ever allow a guy to rule my mind and my heart to a point that I do not even recognise who I am anymore. And if and when I find the time to allow another guy in, he is going to have to compliment the strong individual that I am and not complete it.