You know when you’re happy but you still feel down? Well that’s how I felt today…. No wait that is how I have felt for a while already.
Every time I allow myself to be happy something happens and I just hear a little voice in my head saying “f*ck you, you don’t have time for this so don’t get used to it”, I feel like I have time for a little bit of x and y, but the abc’s have been pushed aside.
I’ve been told to find a balance, but every time I allow myself that little extra then it comes back to bite me in the ass. I am a career driven person, the life partner and the kids? I just don’t have the time – as selfish as that may sound. Would I love to have a companion that on days like today I can just go home and let it out? Yes of course but not everyone is that lucky, I’m hoping that I am one of the lucky ones… eventually.
(And I’m about to go all road rage at the taxi that’s trying to push into my non progressing lane as I type this). Uh yes I’m sitting in traffic, and the lightning ahead looks magnificent, I hope it storms tonight.
I told someone this weekend that it takes a lot to make me cry… Let’s just be serious I was in boarding school I cried every time my parents dropped me off and collected me, in other words I’ve shed my fair share of tears. But… There is clearly one exception to my theory.
I’m trying to figure out why I woke up with a smile on face this morning and I’m going home feeling awful inside… Oh wait it’s because as crappy as today was, tomorrow is another day and it’s a fresh start and how tomorrow goes is all up to me.
Plus the amount of love that I got today after one small meaningless msg I posted was – wow. There are people out there that are really awesome.
On that note – I’m home now and a beautiful little creature is waiting to put the biggest smile on my face.